Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
