Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
