Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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