I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
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We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
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She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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