so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
