i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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