You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
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I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
So many bounce houses so little time
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
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just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.