My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
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i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
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Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.