omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
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I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
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Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.