Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
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well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Why is your signature on my underwear?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
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And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?