I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
