There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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