You smell like a Billy Joel song
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
