My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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