remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
