thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
