i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
