I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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