Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
