im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
