I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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