Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
