Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
