I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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