Plan B is the new Plan A
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize