Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
