I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
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do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
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Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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