i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
