I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
