the condom got lost in my hair
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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