FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
