don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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