Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
