Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
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