Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Never underestimate the power of titties
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