I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
