just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
