I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
