I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
