found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
