like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
