i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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