one two three fourrrrnication!
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
