All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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