im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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