i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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