Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
