Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
