we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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