He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
