it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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