When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
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