I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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