While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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