Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Randomize
