i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
