I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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