i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
