i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
two words: eviction party
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER