I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
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If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
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I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.