Kareoke will never be a sober sport
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
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I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
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Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs