everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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